Past and Future

This morning I was thinking about my past and future. Not long term, just the immediate spans before and after now.

On the way to school I suddenly started thinking about NS. I think it was because we didn't have PE yesterday, and the fact that the Napfa results are going to be submitted to Mindef very soon, that got me thinking about it. Now, whenever I talk about the army, people expect me to launch into a barrage of angry attacks. They think I dislike the army so much because of the host of reasons I usually offer: It's a bloody waste of time, the regimentation sucks, I have no national pride, etc. That's only part of the story. My antagonism towards the army is only the corollary of something deeper. It is my fear.

I fear entering the army. It's a deep, primal fear that guts my system and sends my heart rate up. I avoid thinking about the army not because I can't stand it but because I'm afraid of it. Why? Because of everything it represents. Entering the army is a new environment. But it's different from any new environment. It is so fearful to me because it represents a new environment where I am completely cut off from everything I hold familiar and true. In the army, I am forced to rely upon the very thing that has never been my forte. My physical strength.

I am an academic, honestly speaking and without ego. I am an academic in that studying is my strength. Logical, rational debate is my weapon. Never in my life have I ever come close to possessing the physical strength or menace to actually pummel someone. But it has never mattered that much, save during the annual Napfa, because I have always relied on academic strength to get by. In the army however, my situation will be entirely different. For two whole years, I will be forced to constantly rely upon my physicality to survive. That scares the shit out of me because sometimes I honestly wonder if I can take all the physical training, the regimentation and the inane orders. I actually wonder if I'll physically survive BMT. I will be shuffled into a company of people I have never known, and what frightens me is that they might all be ah bengs or jocks conversing in hokkien, mandarin, every language except the one I use. There will be bullying and sabotage and teasing and embarrasment because the entire atmosphere of the army centres around brute strength, something I lack. For once in my life I will be close to helpless.

I will be stuck in an environment of constant machochism and male camaraderie. Now, I'm all for guy bonding, but when the bonding becomes all gritty and grimy and sweaty and involves soccer, something I hear army guys do very often, I freak out. Give me a library or a classroom or something that actually requires mental strength, and I'll bond all you want. There's something crass about male bonding that repells me if it involves nothing but physical puns.

So there, an early morning horror story to brighten my day. The reason I get pissed off by the SAF is because I fear entering it. For two years my mind will rot away, doing absolutely nothing mental. Even during the lectures that I hear they have they will be about assembling new ways to murder people. I wonder how many fresh faced conscripts that pass those gates each year consider the fact that they are being trained to kill. I wonder how many wives and girlfriends, no matter how proud they get on National Day as the parade marches past, consider the fact that their men are now skilled butchers.

Oh well, I guess if you can't fight them, join them. No doubt wise sages will soon enlighten me with the positive aspects of NS. The toughened body (of course), the stamina, discpline, perserverance. But having a bright outlook doesn't mean my fear will be any less.


The Past.

During Econs lecture today I chuckled to myself because I realised God has a sense of humour. One week from now will be the school's annual dance concert, Rapture, the next biggest thing on the college social calendar after Grad Night. Last year, around this time, I was in an emotional whirlwind. I think my companions through the lecture got me thinking about this again.

I shall enjoy Rapture much more this time round. Last year I sat through it with a pounding heart, my nerves on end. The smiles after were forced. My exit was as quick as possible.

Not long after I had a long sms conversation with a certain someone.

It was at this point in my thoughts that I realised, how ironically, that one year on, I sat between both of them, at ease and in peace.

God has a sense of humour, and it's at these moments that I thank Him for it.

Bring me through all my storms on eagles' wings, Father. Keep me in perfect peace.

Not quite deja vu

Yesterday I witnessed the demise of a team that was headed for destruction from the beginning. I wish my words weren't so harsh, nor so cynical, but no matter how far they've come, no matter how much they've improved, it has not been enough. They still cannot think fast enough, nor see fast enough, even hear fast enough. Next year Singapore will crash and burn in the World Schools Championships unless the potential team drastically improves. Owen and I predict they will be out by the octofinals. Given the time and amount of training they'll receive I'd revise that to maybe the quarters. But hey, miracles have been known to happen.

So it wasn't deja vu. I wonder if their seniors felt some sense of vindication as their juniors undid what we did to them last year. Dennis says they should be feeling insulted, that so bad a team won where they did not. I suppose there is logic in that. But a win's a win anyway.

Lousy debates aside, I look forward to getting into a good one myself soon. Nothing makes me feel like debating more than watching one, especially a lousy one. So, here's to the All Stars quadrangulars/tournament soon! (I hope Ms de Souza is reading this haha... Anyway give us a call and we'll book the rooms or something :) Ah, but everyone's so busy these days...

I realise that I quite like Boey Kim Cheng's style of poetry. I find the language very vivid and rich. It lacks the lyrical flowing style of classical poetry, but the free verse is strangely appealing to me. It has a strong flow in itself too.

Tomorrow will be a long day. But right now, I just feel like sleeping. Ngargh. If only we could return to a carefree life for a while. Or is there such a thing to return to in the first place?

A short and brilliant (considering how long it's been) spar made my day. Debating is like cycling, I guess. You never forget how to do it. And a dip into that pool once again is really refreshing, especially after a long day at school. I realise that everytime I watch some sporting match involving the school I somehow feel like debating after that. My own sport, haha.

So anyway, it's been a while since I blogged, and the events since then have just whizzed past me. It's all becoming a blur now, with nothing significant standing out. I enjoy the company of friends, getting over the boredom of the eternal tutorials, becoming slightly crazy in the absence of progress.

This morning I missed my stop for the second time in a month. I must stop this before it becomes habit. It annoys me, really, committing such silly mistakes.

Then later in the day I got back my Korean War script that gave me some reassurance that yes, I am making some progress, that my efforts are paying off. I musn't slacken now, nor lose pace, but the days are growing soo long, and the lessons so dreary. Our econs tutor, to put it blandly, is slowing down the class. It appears extremely ironic that a subject so concerned with productivity levels should be the one generating the least amount of it, or so it would seem. I've been daydreaming with Dai Wei about kidnapping Mr Nga and forcing him to teach our class instead. Oh for some clarity out of this mess!

I shall enjoy tomorrow. We shall be involved in hard labour, followed by PC, arguably still my favourite subject, then finally pizza. After all this I shall go off to YJ for the quarterfinals of the debating championships. I really hope they win. I want to see deja vu, and today's spar has whetted my appetite.

Anyway, this Sunday will be the More To This Life concert. I really like the dances, especially Why. It never fails to move me. And I particularly like one line in Vincent's poem.

Oh I bear the burden of a life of days

It seems really apt.


I still tremble, yet want to draw near to the fire. I think I have a phobia of the altar.

Catharsis

Today was thoroughly eventful. To begin with, it was the Council's stepping down ceremony. Now, everytime I blog or speak about the Council people expect negative things to come out of my mouth, but this time I won't say any of that. In spite of everything, if they did one thing really well, which I think is plainly obvious, it was in sheer effort and determination. So I think it was appropriate that Mrs Lim read the passage on the talents for the ceremony. So well done, thou good and faithful servants.

Derek posted the Olympic motto on the stepping down video, which ran something like, "The essential thing is not to have triumphed, but to have fought well." How typically diplomatic of the Olympics, but the battle-hardened cynic might reply, "No one remembers the first runner-up." Isn't that the beef about today's society? No matter how much we praise the effort, people still value the result at the end. Our meritocracy is not truly meritocratic in that it fails to recognise the merit in working hard, which does not always translate into good results, the one thing that the system really recognises. And I think living today really gets people down because of this basic flaw in the system: the absence of a clear link between effort and success.

This week has not been a very good week, because all the BT2 results came out. There have been great disappointments. But thank God for the little joys planted here and there: a grade better than expected, a friend to take comfort in, etc. Before I entered JC, I never truly understood the power of catharsis, but now I do. I think for me the best catharsis comes through speaking or crying. There is comfort in pouring out your woes to a friend who understands. There is comfort in collapsing into a heaving wrack of tears. But the ultimate comfort is that we are not of this world, though we be in it, and that we belong to a society higher than this, one where effort is recognised, every tear is noted, every triumphed celebrated, every valley walked with, every mountain scaled with.

And in the final analysis, there is more to this life than just grades, and even the paper chase takes on a new meaning when you know who you're chasing it for.

The morning after

This morning I woke up with a profound (should I use profound? perhaps strong would be better) sense of emptiness. There was absolutely nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about, nothing left to do. I said last night that I'd done my last service to the school, but I only felt it this morning. College Day was the last big event for me. I have nothing left to do but study. All the weeks in front of me now are just filled with days upon days of studying and getting back results that I don't want to get. My History is screwed, I don't know what to expect for Econs, and there's an immense amount of revision to do. On top of this, my mind blackens whenever I consider the fact that every minute that passes brings me closer to NS.

But I want to talk about the emptiness for a while, because it occupied me for some time this morning (how ironic). It gave me the realisation that for a long time, my life has just been a series of events to look forward to. So the minute I have nothing left to do, I'm done for. But this is not how it's meant to be. Where does God come into the picture then? I was wondering, because am I not supposed to find complete and utter satisfaction and joy in Christ? Of course, I think inexpressible joy cannot be found on Earth, because then no one would bother going to Heaven. But if I can feel so empty on a Saturday morning, then it makes me wonder if the focus of my life has been wrong. I don't have to wonder, really. Deep down I know. I've been very preoccupied by just living from day to day, looking forward to one event after another, that I've neglected the things that really matter. And right now, the struggle for me is to find that right balance of living for God in the midst of my daily routine.

Ah well, I don't feel so bad anymore, but I still dread going back to school on Monday morning, and settling back (settling back? or starting?) into revision mode. Well, at least there ARE some bright sparks along the way. Rapture, the band concert (during which Vicks plans to abandon me), Brendon's still-to-come dinner treat, friends. But there, see, what happens when these all pass?

There is a saying: The man who has God and the whole world has no more than the man who has nothing but God.
That gives me tremendous comfort.

The Disembodied Voice

Finally, College Day is over. No more rehearsals, no more blazers, no more standing up for long hours. All the pomp and pageantry is done, and I've completed my last service to the school. My oratorical career in SA has come full circle. I kind of like the fact that I became a disembodied voice at the end. Always wanted to try that, haha.

So, now, I can focus on my studies. I'm not satisfied with the results I've gotten thus far, and I frankly feel as though I'm stagnating or deproving in fact. I have to try harder or work smarter to move on, move higher. Ah well, to work.

Last night I had dinner with the debate alumni. We learned some interesting stuff, at length though, thanks to the story telling skills of Ms de Souza. Incidentally, If you're reading this Adrienne, you and Candice can still manage make noise at College Day two years after you've left.

So yeah, I'm very tired now. Going to bed.

Chris was talking today about how God wants us in that place where we feel that we absolutely cannot do anymore, anything without Him, and how that in that moment, that should be the kind of attitude we should have in relying on Him. Total faith, total dependence, Peter on water, a child in her father's hands.

It didn't really strike me till I just read someone's blog and was thinking to myself, well, he wants to do well, good for him, but take it easy boy. And something really disgusting came into my mind that made me realise how true it is, that the rich will always find it hardest to inherit the kingdom, because they don't know what it feels like to be utterly dependent upon one person for their life. And once again, my old enemy, Pride, rears its ugly head.

By the grace of God, I finished Block Test 2. Just as I predicted, I was struggling to pull through, even earlier than I expected though. Every source that I completed was a chore. But, I got that sudden extra burst of energy I needed to finish the last essay, so thank God, really. It's a weight off my shoulders.

So now, I feel free, temporarily. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the week and the next at least. Catch up on reading (hopefully), sleep, yak, play, ahhh...

My History notes are strewn in various piles across the table, but aside from a few half hearted attempts to read up on the Security Council I have not done anything productive this morning, which is why I'm here blogging, because I feel so disinterested in studying at the moment and unmotivated that I might as well pop in and update the blog.

Econs so exhausted me yesterday that when I came home I went and slept through the afternoon, woke up, walked around groggily and then started to compile my list of UN author credentials. It was completed in the night finally. I have no idea how I'm going to pull through History tomorrow but I'm trusting in God. I mean this physically, not even mentally yet, because yesterday by the time I got to the case study I had a headache creeping up, and as I ploughed through I was like, "Ok, qn A's done. Argh, there's still B, C, and D to go. (And when I was at C) Ngargh, there's still D!" I can already hear myself saying tomorrow, "Oh great, that's one source based done, but there's still another to go, and another, and another..."

It feels like it's the holidays already, because everytime I finish an exam I think the holidays are round the corner, but they're not, cos in jc it's the other way round, which I still can't decide is good or bad. But nevermind, because this time tomorrow we shall be freed of the block test, and I can lay aside all the bloody names and dates and things history throws at us. We were chatting yesterday and I too realised that I've lost my initial love of history. I still like it in some sense, especially cold war history, but it's become so terribly detailed and dreary that I cannot see myself enjoying it again for its fun, like the boy whom CS Lewis says cannot see the point of studying Xenophon till he finishes his course and masters Greek in all its intricacies. Blah.

Oh! Superman! I want to go watch that! SOON. But there's a silly rehearsal for College Day tomorrow so while everyone runs hither and thither free upon the sunlit grass I shall have to be stuck in school till 3 and beyond. THREE. Of all things. I've got nothing to do for four hours...

Oh yes, and my inbox is being flooded with email from JC 1 scholars because last year, when a few of us were called up for the scholarship group thingy, I stupidly allowed all mail from the scholar's site on Moodle to be sent to me. So recently, when Mrs Neu called for the JC 1 scholars to send her their individual achievements list, they ALL started sending them one by one, and for some reason, insteade of sending it to her directly, it comes to me too. I was wondering if I should delete them all, bcause achievements lists can be quite interesting reading if you know whom they concern, and a few of them are my juniors. But heck, I couldn't be bothered, so I've been deleting them as they come. I wonder how many are there.

Okay, I shall go try to study now. Ohh, but freedom is so close, so close!

I just read Owen's blog, and I wondered if it's common for debaters to romanticise the art so, because he's not the first or only one to paint debating in such loving terms. I guess it applies to everyone's chosen sport/activity. But I'm always in pleasant delight at the way debaters seem to elevate our joy to such levels of adulation, or describe it moment by moment. And reading his post suddenly made me want to post something about it too, since as he put it, debating is a form of escapism, and the days are growing shorter, the hours more anxious.

What a narcissistic bunch we all are. Or at least me, haha.

Once, maybe, the block tests are over, and we are granted a momentary reprieve from preparation, we can indulge in a nice long debate with the best of minds. Gather all the seniors together. Form various permutations of the All-Stars. Have round upon round of argument. a Senior Quadrangular, why not?


You know, at the end of it all, debating is actually supposed to serve a purpose, namely the production of the best solutions to the world's problems, honed and sharpened in the ferment of debate. But here, we've turned it into an end in itself. Ha, but then, the sharpening of minds is another goal of debating.

Goodnight, Mr Chairman.

Debating

I want to debate. The past few days have whetted my appetite for more. And I don't just want to debate against anyone; I want the best. I want to experience again the feeling of having to stretch my mind and go up there and speak well, sit down, and leave the floor feeling satisfied, knowing I've done my best against a good team and come off well. These two weeks have reinforced for me, more than ever, my belief that debating is so much more than about one person. It is above all a team effort. And I hope, I sincerely hope, that the five people who are to carry on the torch learn that well, and learn that soon. Yesterday, I would have ranted about how pathetic they were, how absolutely low they went. But after today, I can say that at least they've improved. All I hope is that they continue to listen to their opponents, and think. They have potential, and looking at the top four schools, they can go far.

I also want to say that I've seen what it means to live your life as a living testimony for God, through my senior and friend, Brendon. He's earned tremendous respect from me for his humility, his dedication to coaching a bunch of stuck up ingrates despite suffering from flu, fever, n a sore throat, his graciousness and commitment. I'm not used to publicly affirming someone, but then he's given me reason enough to affirm him. I've realised the impact of living a life like that on me, which has given me pause to reflect. No one is perfect, but then if you're different enough, people sit up and notice.

World conquest and the Great Singapore Sale

It's been a lazy start to the second week of the holidays for me. The anxiety about the block test has begun to creep in, resulting in a few half hearted starts at studying. Still, the progress seems fine to me for the start of the week. I'm all but done with the Crisis of Communism, moving on to Econs tomorrow, if I can being myself to it. I realise I'm purposefully avoiding Econs for now, for the very reason that it'll take the most amount of effort to get through, which is of course the very reason why I should start on it as soon as possible. Oh well, I'll try tomorrow.

In other news, I saw my old Civilisation 3 game manual yesterday, which immediately tempted me to play it, and so I reinstalled it today and began conquering the world. Well, not exactly, it's a slow start, as usual. I've never really been an aggressively expansionistic player in these sort of games. I tried Persia, then switched to India, so now I'm ruling a good portion of the globe as Gandhi. I had a good laugh when I established New Delhi, which, according to Manit, is separate from Delhi. Incidently the game separates out Delhi and New Delhi as two different cities.

Anyway, on Sunday I had a big shopping spree at John Little. I don't think I've shopped so much in a loong time. Quite uncharacteristic. Nevertheless, it was quite therapeutic, seeing the stack of clothes on your bed at the end of the day, haha.

Ooh I just had an idea! I should have renamed my ruler as Manit! then name one of the cities Gianchandani! hahahhaa

Guacamole and little green men

The Army, in all its bureaucratic magnificence, makes me like it less than I already did even before I enter its ranks. I couldn't believe a medical checkup could take 4 hours before I went for it, and I still don't. I now believe it takes five and a half hours. And don't get me started on the Oath of Allegiance, or else I might find black suited men knocking on my door soon. Actually, some of the lines remind me of what Martin was barking out during the college play.

That was on Thursday. Yesterday I went back to school for GP makeup, then I caught up with Quek for lunch. A late lunch, in fact, at Carl's Jr. Ahh, now that was filling. I've developed a fondness for guacamole after that. It's a green substance that looks like green mayonnaise, or wasabi, depending on your preference. According to wikipedia, it's an avocado based relish or dip originating from the time of the Aztecs. Great! Mexican food! If only we had tortilla chips to go with it.

So, between discovering how mangled the movie made the Phoenix storyline, I had a lazy afternoon chatting about old times. It is nice, you know, to sit in a cafe or something just jabbering away with an old friend. It is very relaxing, a marked change from a usually busy schedule. We even talked about Earth 2025, that silly old game we used to play when we bored during robotics sessions. It developed into such an obsession I was rushing home everyday to check on my country to see if it was still intact. There is a thrill involved when launching devastating attacks upon an unsuspecting soul, especially when you're launching a missile at a friend. That particular incident was really silly...

Anyway, now I have two books waiting to be read, courtesy of Quek. I shall read the thinner one first, because it's by CS Lewis, not because it's thinner. I want to go out again soon too, once KH returns from whichever part of Malaysia he happened to be in yesterday, haha.

Hmm, there's apparently a Guacamole Fund, but it doesnt't seem to have anything to do with guacamole as far as I can tell...

The First Monday of the Holidays

After all the buildup, the holidays are finally here, and suddenly, I find myself lounging about with nothing to do. Well, I do have things to do of course, but I don't feel like touching them just yet.

First, a recap of the weekend. I watched the Canterbury Tales on Saturday night, and it was really quite funny and lively. I don't know if the artistic licence used brightened the Tales up more than they already are, but in any case I think the production did a great job in bringing out the boisterous, cheeky, and downright sexual flavour of Chaucer's works. It was a nice way to end the evening.

Then on Sunday we celebrated my father's birthday with a huge chocolate banana cake from Secret Recipe. It definitely weighs more than a kilo, and the height is just awesome. Next year, I shall get my black forest cake from there. At night we ate seafood at the Kallang riverfront. I wanted chilli crabs, but my brother sulked as usual and we had to switch to a crab cooked with garlic and spring onions. Still palatable, but I've been wanting to try a nice chilli crab for so long. The last time I ate one is beyond my memory.

It started on Friday, after training, or maybe even earlier, and since then I've been daydreaming about the team (our team) going head to head with rj in the nationals semis and beating them to face ac in the finals. It's a strange fantasy anyway, one that can never be fulfilled. But you know, after watching all the sports teams play their hearts out this season, I wish I was back in the July of last year. And whenever my mind goes back to that time I imagine all of us sitting on stage in an intense debate against rj (why rj? I think it's partly becos I'm tired of debating against our usual friends, and I'd like to save ac for the finals), and we're opp, since we've always been better at opp. It's a very close match, and we split the judges 3-2, but for the first time we actually win the damned split! Doesn't matter what the motion is, in fact, the whole dream involves me taking much of the limelight, haha, but then Owen delivers a stunning blow after Suhas's own brilliant speech, and I round up the reply with a flourish. Everything is pitch perfect, the style, the content, the argumentation. Our teamline is consistent through all three speakers. Prop puts up a good defence but they cannot quite reply effectively to one nagging point which we exploit and mercilessly blow up in their faces. Ah, sweet victory.

But alas, we all know our glory days are over. Time to fade into the shadows, buckle down and study hard. Oh, but for that moment, that one moment, we actually had the chance.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

This afternoon's rain has sort of placed me in a quieter, subdued, reflective mode. I love the rain when I'm nicely tucked into bed at home, but not when I'm out. Let me take the opportunity to thank Vicks and Jeremy here for running back to school and out again to get umbrellas for us, even at the risk of physical injury, as Jeremy suffered, and getting drenched, as Vicks suffered. Thank you guys!

So anyway as I was saying I'm now in this quiet reflective mode which I suspect is not too unlike a feeling of sleepiness. But I feel a need to think about my spiritual life in general, which has not been progressing smoothly recently. It's a bad tendency that I have, slipping into nonchalence for long periods of time, kind of wallowing about in lukewarmness. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy, other times I'm too timid. I hope this holidays I can spend some time setting my affairs right.

I just remembered something by CS Lewis. "We have never told the whole truth. We may confess ugly facts, but the tone is false. The very act of confessing - an infinitesimally hypocritical glance - a dash of humour - all this serves to dissociate the facts from yourself." It's at times like this when I remember the true meaning of those words and realise how acute Lewis was in his observations of self. And of course, he's right. How well I know that. It's an ugly truth.

Well, I'm off to dinner. I think a fault of mine is that I can never hold long periods of self-reflection. Or maybe I don't want to. Oh well, I'll leave it to God.

Waiting for the bell to ring

All my lessons have practically degenerated into exercises in patience. I sit there waiting for the bell to ring. The days are becoming so leisurely and frankly, dull, that we spend our time daydreaming of the possibilities available to us come Friday. Ahh, Friday, will it ever come? I dislike the looming prospect of the PC test tomorrow. It's like this untimely obstacle in the way of my path to the weekend. I wish I could get it over and done with as soon as possible. Other than that the rest of the week should be fine. I want to watch X3, and I hope it can be this Friday.

I still don't know what I should do about tomorrow. I'm undecided about going for the hockey girls finals, or to stay for debates. In the first place I don't know if I can skip debates. There are things to discuss... Anyway, I think that Owen should get a service award for debates too, so there, I'm making my stand official here. It's unfair to recognise only one person's efforts in a cca simply because the cca happens to be very small. What if another person did just as much work? (I'm still inclined to think that I've done more work though, hehe...) So, anyway, I wish Jill and co. all the best for their match tomorrow. Hope they win!

I realise NS talk makes me depressed. I don't know how it started, but our conversation somehow drifted into the army as we waited for history makeup. It's really unnerving and gloomy to think about the prospect of entering two years of regimentation, physical hardship, trauma, filth, mud, soil, sand, rain. I wonder if the nation is worth dying for, really. All my life I've always placed NS in a corner of my mind whenever the topic comes up, because I don't want to face it, and anyway it always seemed far away. Now, I'm left with roughly six months of freedom, depending on my performance in Napfa. Oh, the misery.

Let's look at brighter things! I'm home! Nice and dry! My bed seems comfy, and later on I'll snuggle up in it. The food is on the table, the TV dispenses entertainment. Ha, the comforts of home.

It is the last week of school. Yes, the final frontier to cross before we can reach that blessed period of rest, if indeed it can be called rest. I think the June break needs to be renamed. It's not the holidays, it's something else, like extra lessons time. But in any case, I want that break from the regular routine.

On Saturday I went down to watch the team debate at the semis. I don't want to comment too much on that here. I've said much more elsewhere. Then after that I went down to orchard to catch the Da Vinci Code. Interesting movie. I've always been a sucker for conspiracy theories. They bring some mystery into my life. I realise that's why I like adventure stories or thrillers. I like the feeling of being compelled to turn the next page to find out more.

I think I'll go sleep for a while. Then do the SBQ. ugh.

After a valiant attempt to resist returning to me, my watch now sits safely at home. Let me tell you the adventure. I went to Wheelock Place with Dai Wei to collect the watch. So we took the lift up to the eighth floor, but I didn't see and we ended up on the ninth floor. So we decided to take the stairs down one floor. We went down, and found the door locked. So we went back to the ninth floor to take the lift down. But horror of horrors! The ninth floor door was locked! We were trapped in the stairwell! So we went down, and down, trying every door, until at last we re-emerged in the lift lobby of the first floor... Then we went up again via lift. And the rest is history.

I'm tired and sleepy now. I just want to take some rest before I do my work. Night, world.

In larger freedom

I want to thank everyone that tagged after my last post, even though I only actually read the tags on Friday. Even then I was too tired to blog, but I was quite heartened by them.

Quek: yeah, I agree with you. I'm still too afraid, or at least right now, too tired. But it shouldn't be this way, should it?

Benita: yup, pressing on, I mean, what else can we do, right? Thanks for understanding :)

Liz: well, I wasn't pinpointing you, but in any case, thanks for the congrats!

Kelly: haha, you're one of those that make life better too. Perhaps one fine day we can actually say goodbye without rushing off somewhere.

Owen: well, if I didn't think so much I wouldn't be the person you feel crippled without... but it's good having you around anyway. makes me laugh, haha.

And now onto the meat of my post. It's done, I'm done with it. All the bloody late nights working at presentations and what not are done for now. I think this has been one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I shudder to think that the worst is yet to be. Anyway, the MUN presentation was a success on Thursday, so I'm happy about that.

My Vesak Day holiday was totally burnt by what became an 8 hour meeting over the UN seminar presentation. Then yesterday was gone too, since the seminar took up the whole day. But, I'm glad to announce that at least we got 2nd place for our efforts. And, the dinner at Tony Roma's more than made up for the work. There was so much food we had to pack some home. I love Tony Roma's chicken. I absolutely love it. I know they are famous for ribs, but the chicken serving was so large and so nice that by the time I was finished with it I could only take in two ribs, which were nice too, but they didn't rock my socks off. I guess the chicken had overpowered it. In any case, I wasn't wearing socks, hahahaha! (ok that was silly)

I also attended the college play on Friday. Now that was some tricky business of rushing back and forth. I nearly broke down going home, actually. I just felt the strain was almost too much to bear. But anyway I made it home, changed, and was off again. The plays were okay, and I liked the first one better. More thought-provoking, although I believe both were supposed to do the same. Now the image of Vicks dressed up as a ma-jie will forever be engraved in my mind. As though being called one at school wasn't bad enough!

Essentially I'm left with only today free after the long weekend. But I'm still quite tired by all the events of the past few days. I titled this post "In larger freedom" because I thought it apt that the closing words of our presentation yesterday echo my sentiments now. It's all temporal though. I have two tests coming up this week, and more debate training. But this time I refuse to be bogged down by training. The juniors have exceeded my expectations over the weekend and won three debates in a row at the ACJC Debate Invitationals. So, I expect them to be more active in taking charge at meetings. I'll just leave the key with them or something.

Okay, I'm done. I'm in this pleasant state of sleepiness, the residue of an afternoon nap. Now I'll go finish off the rest of the chicken.

Get off my back

It is in the quiet solitude of the night as I walk to the bus stop that the sickness overcomes me. That damp air sticks to my skin and the tiredness washes over. As I reach the bus stop that familiar feeling of irritation takes over. It's always like this. I get charged up and excited during my activities, only to lapse into this bitter, antagonised self.

Why, I wonder, do I have to come home everyday at 8, leave for school by 6.45? People have 8 hour workdays, I have 12. It's just the whole pressure of working late, coming home, and doing more work that really gets to me. I was never quite like this. But recently my fuse is getting shorter. I swear only the presence of beni, dai wei, jeremy, bryan, musa n vicks keeps me relatively jovial and happy in school. That and the grace of God. And to be sure, it must His grace that keeps me going, because how else to explain the fact that despite the stress that's been building up over the past few months, my body refuses to fail or break down, even if I may secretly wish for it to do so and get myself a break? Compared to me my class is absolutely sickly. In fact, this is the sickliest class I've ever been in. People "fall ill" on a regular basis, or some don;t come at all because they're "sick of school". Yeah, sure, like the people who DO attend aren't sick of school.

It's rubbish you know, to hear people complain non-stop about how they can't keep up with lessons or that they don't understand. Of course you don't! How could you, when your absenteeism rate averages out to around 2 per week? And I have to put up with all this shit, and then come home to be questioned by my parents about my whereabouts. I mean, I know they're concerned, but give me a break. I'm sick to death of having to explain continually to them what MUN means, what this activity is or that. It's not like they remember anyway. Where could I be anyway? Gallivanting round Singapore? I have better things to do. And then my father tells me to stop overcommiting myself, tell the teachers I don't want to do it. Yeah sure, it'd be great if life could just stop and I could drop everything. But I can't. I've made commitments, I like what I do, and even if I don't, I can't just stop. There are others around me who are more laden with work than I am.

But of course, it's back to the same conflict. When do I stop comparing my situation to people worse off than me and start living for myself? There will always be someone poorer than you, true, but there's always someone richer than you. And one day, one fine day, I wish I could just fling out all this talk about oh, people have more stuff to do, I shouldn't complain, and get on with life. But I'm brought up this way, I have my principles. My parents would be proud, if they knew the crap I go through. I get home later than them everyday, I still have to work through essay assignments, I still pass up on time everytime, I still get respectable grades. I mean, come on, how much more can you expect from your son? There are plenty of people I know who idle their time away at home or somewhere else in school and still can't produce work on time. You know what I say to their reasons? Bullshit. Life's tough, so get on with it. Grow up, and stop whining.

By now I now I've completely contradicted my case. I've just completed what must be the longest rant/whine I've ever done on this blog. Well, I know. Judge not, lest ye be judged, how well I know that. But the steam needs to let out sometimes. So although I complain so much, at the end I know I'll just bite the bitter medicine I've just dished out and go on. What else can I do? Skip school? Dream on. I have an entire PC essay to complete, and I know that no matter how late it gets it will appear done tomorrow. So be it. That's my lot in life, I'll just have to do it, and if this post has taken up too much precious time, so be it.

On a happier note, I passed my 2.4 for the first time in JC today. Thank be to God. I'd never be able to do it without His strength. And to think about it, I'll need plenty of strength in the days to come.

It's been a while...

The fact that I have not blogged for more than a week is proof of how busy I've been. I'm quite glad that the weekend is finally here, but even in this sacred rest time work will not let its grip go: I have to spend my Saturday evening discussing a GP presentation... Of course, some will point out the pleasure of discussing such a topic in the presence of three lovely young ladies, and though I will not begrudge that fact, I'd rather have my Saturday night free of work and not meet them, than to meet and work.

I realised today that I for the whole of this week not once did I leave school when lessons ended. The next week looks set to be repeat of this. I have meetings, debate sessions, and other meetings lined up for all my afternoons, and even the whole of next Saturday will be taken up. Add to this the increasing workload and the intensifying academic schedule, and I have a pretty large amount of stress on my back. Hopefully, it's time I find the discipline and time (how ironic) to start studying seriously. Happy is he who has time to pass.

Anyway, I think I make things out to be worse than they truly are. School is still liveable, especially in the company of six other people who make the time pass faster, if not happier, than it really does. Where would I be without them? And the after school sessions aren't really school work. I mean, debating is still attractive to me, even though I fret over the j1s. Mun, well, it's fun too in a way, preparing to present. I look around the balcony and I see many people actually studying and doing far more real academic work than I am. So, I guess I need to buckle down.


I want my praises to be more than empty words, I want my intentions to translate into action, I want my will to be stronger than temptation. In fact, I want to want to overcome. I need that passion to fill me more than it ever has, and I yet I need to stop being afraid of the consequences of fire. I need to find my sense of direction again.

Memories

Two busybodies made me think about things I haven't thought about in months. It's hard to go back to a period that seems so long ago and try to recall what it was like. I probably shouldn't. But then again, bits and pieces of it are starting to fall back into place. I'm quite amazed at how far I've come, and what I've gone through. Such adventures, Isabella would say, and how marvelous while it lasted.

I actually came home with the intention of blogging about what happened at length. But now I seem to have lost the motivation to. Just a fleeting reminisence of the past I guess. It's good, though, to remember experiences. Really, there were so many things that happened that it seems funny now in hindsight. So many things to be thankful for too, haha. I think sometimes I need these things to remember the infinite wisdom of God.

Ugh, there's PE tomorrow. Not looking forward to that...

Frustration

Today started off badly. It began last night actually. The amount of work I had to complete just suddenly got to me, and I felt this huge wave of irritation, not so much sianess as compared to irritation, just sweep over me. I was fed up with work, I was fed up with debates, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to plow through another Lit essay, and at the end of it bother writing out stupid econs outlines. And then as I thought about debates it really irritated me that I had to stay back so late again. Really, what's the point when you seem to be putting the cart before the horse?

And I guess this irritation just funnelled through to the morning, and was aggravated by the numerous absentees. Why do I have to turn up day after day when plenty of people around me seem to be able to just come at their own whim and fancy? Is there a point to attending useless lectures and tutorials? Tomorrow will be a case in point. Class attendance will be abysmal, that I can foresee, and yet once again I will be there, sitting through a waste of a day supporting God knows what. I suppose I should be thankful for my excellent health, that I can continuously attend school without fail. But sometimes, like today, seeing so many self-declared holidays really makes me sick, sick of school, sick of work. I wonder really, if there is a point to coming to school. And of course I know the answer is "yes", and I know all the various justifications. I also know that my not going to school just because others don't is nonsense and is a logical fallacy. I also know that there are many other people, especially teachers, who put up with so much bullshit and nonsense from students day after day. I wonder after witnessing the ruckus in class today how they can go on teaching.

And yet, despite all of this head knowledge, heart knowledge just failed me today. I just needed an avenue to vent out my frustration, and yet I find no logical avenue to do so, or even a reason to be angry, because really, I have no justifiable cause to be angry. But I still am.

Oh well, at least training wasn't that bad. Dan Chi and her friend Jimmy came down to visit us today. Had a nice time chatting through the session. And Thursday's session doesn't sound too bad. It's strange, you know. I dreaded the training and yet I left feeling okay, even happy. I hope tomorrow will be better. I need a break.

Ignominy

I wish I could say that we went out in a blaze of glory, but the answer is far less dramatic, and far less cinematically pleasing. After one week, or maybe two weeks of hours and hours spent in school, the result was more of a crash and burn. I expected it of course, and indeed was not surprised when the results came, but the reality of defeat, and defeat at those pathetic hands, always grows once the even is past. Argh! To say more about our worthy opponents here would only increase the shame and ludicrity of that mess in my eyes.

Suffice to say, the J1s need more work, tons of work, and I'm not sure if they are getting it the right way. At the very least, I can say the BCs were an eye-opener for them, and a learning experience. That is, I HOPE it's a learning experience, and not something to forget, as they already seem to be doing.

Last year we were fortunate. I can say that for at least the past three years we have been fortunate in our intake of members. I simply cannot understand why membership is so poor this year. Perhaps the IP programmes have taken up all the experienced debaters. Ahh, but that's the reality of it. When you do well consistently, people flock to your CCA. But our debating society hardly gets publicity, regardless of performance, and there simply isn't that same culture here that you find in the top 4 schools. It's quite a marvel we've managed to hang on to our no. 5 spot for so long, given our circumstances. Well, we must make do.

Isn't it funny that I'm sitting here blogging when I have an unfinished Top Girls essay due today? ha, that's a first. I hope Mr Smith understands.

The eye of the storm

Today is like a momentary rest for me, an anomaly as my schedule moves out of two long days into a temporary peace. Tomorrow it will move back into the rest of the storm, which will continue till Saturday at least. If we make it into the quarters (Owen will here correct me by saying "when we make it into the quarters") it will mean yet another week of work. No, it won't be that bad with impromptu debates. So, hopefully we'll break through and give the J1s maximum exposure. I can't believe the ACs are coming so soon. After that I hope I can finally sit down and rest and give up my cca for my studies. In fact, I hope I don't have to take part at all.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day napping, eating, reading, or watching a movie. In the evening I'll attempt the PC assignment, or at least try to. Thank goodness the deadline's been moved back.

Okay, my bed calls...

There, but for the grace of God, go I

You may have accepted Christ as Saviour, but have you accepted Him as King? That was something that struck me today in church. Denying Christ is far easier than I thought. I don't have to verbally deny knowledge of Him. A simple action is enough. But thanks be to God, that for His grace I still stand, and countless others. I'm looking forward to Sunday!

Yesterday the urgency of the coming competitions dawned upon me. Next Saturday will be the British Council debates, and only last afternoon were the teams formed. We now have two teams entering two competitions within the space of a week, with very green J1s who can hardly deliver a prepared speech, much less an impromptu one. I also realised the imbalance of the J2s leading each team, and so I don't care what Manit says or thinks but he's going over to Owen and Dennis is coming with me. This matter of team dynamics struck me also as I walked home last night. I realised what a finely composed balance our team (the full J2 one) is. Everyone has a part. There's Manit, our perpetual Devil's Advocate; Dennis, the radical and firebrand; Mayeesha, a steadying hand and a counterbalance to Dennis; and of course Owen, our indispensible third speaker, whose point-churning mind scintillates with brilliance. I think the team would be imbalanced without even one member. What a successful combination we all were ;) Now as everyone's breaking up I hope the J1s can forge their own winning combination. We'll need it desperately. So for the whole of next week I'll be shifting into battle gear again. Hai, back to the road, but it's for a worthy cause anyway. And yesterday's training got my blood pumping.

There are so many things happening around me now I just hope I can keep up with them all. Every weekend seems so precious now haha. Oh, and Tedric was released from camp for today. Seeing his shaven crown is just another reminder of time catching up. *shakes head.

Passing Time

I like what Ker Han wrote on his blog. It's true and quite funny:

School is an quick detour through youth. It takes away those precious carefree moments and replaces them with worries of the future and the troubles of the adult world. Yes, school is a transitional period where we age considerably.

So school matures us, though a little too fast.

Just something that caught my eye. But it's true anyway. How else to mature other than through school? Although I suspect one could learn equally much, and perhaps more, through the school of hard knocks. Really hard knocks.

So, I'm in school now trying to pass time till 5 when I have to go for an MUN meeting. Still have to prepare the presentation... But it's fun anyway, and I like the people there. After this I shall go read a book in the library, although I really should be trying to catch up on my s-paper reading...

I'm half-looking forward to tomorrow. Looking forward because it will be the last day of the school week, not looking forward because the afternoon will be long and complicated. I have s-paper training, and then debate meeting. It appears that the NUS Challenge Shields wasn't my last competition. Because of the severe lack of credible J1s, the J2s have to beef up the teams going into the British Council debates and the Jurong JC debates later this month. Yes, debating is my love, but lately it's just lost its luster for me. All this admin work and research is getting on my nerves. I wish I could just turn up at a meeting and debate and not care about anything else. But these are the responsibilities of being president...

I can't wait for the weekend. I need a break from school to reflect on the wonder of the Cross once more, to rest in the shadow of Him who gave all so that all might be saved.

To my books!

Heavy duty in the morning

I realised with great clarity last night the fact that I hardly practise what I preach. And it left me with a rather empty feeling, because I seem hypocritical even to myself. And I also noted this intense desire not to ever admit defeat, even as I try to impress upon others the "logic" of my points.

This morning my mother was talking to me and even as I gave my two cents worth I felt as though much of what I said was head knowledge, not something I truly knew by heart. My life seems pretty skewed to me.

Maybe my love has been too critical and harsh. And I think its become mixed up with my desire to be right all the time.


Anyway, Tedric's going off to the army today. Seeing him off later!

ooh I've got quite a few tags to reply to, so I'll do it now.

bobochacha: umm.... This is quite embarrassing but I'm not sure who you are.... Identify yourself too! Are you Shirley? cos Landy's blog has your name on the link to your blog.

Owen: Then let them come. I fear them not, haha

Jeremy: Thank you, Jeremy! And I think you're adorable haha

Dai Wei: We're all unhappy puppies. With Owen and me we're both aggrieved parties haha

Adrienne: Told you so! Can't believe you thought it wasn't your type of show...

Benita: My pleasure!

Kelly: Stop grumbling about it Kelly... How shall I put it, it's natural. Although it's not always a good thing to be this skinny for a guy...

Owen: hmm, no... altho if thats really the case then it would be a delightful irony.

Behold! My new blog template! I think it suits me quite well, and incorporates elements of the vague design I had in mind, like the letter or journal style. So I want to say a big thank you to Benita for finding and doing up the template for me :) I really appreciate it!

So, last night was the Life Concert. I thought it was okay, and as I stood on the second floor and looked down I had a sense of the beauty of seeing a sea of worshippers praising God in unison. Being an usher was also quite interesting.

I'm really quite tired now. I've been walking around in school in a slightly listless state. Just not enough energy I guess. I'll go have a nap soon.

Drums in the deep

I got back my GP results today, and to put it in Mrs Tan's words, I'm not a happy puppy. I'm quite upset about the sharp drop in my grades, firstly on a personal level, secondly on a relative level. I won't talk anymore about it because I'll sound terribly egotistical, which is quite true unfortunately, and because I should be grateful for whatever marks I've gotten. They aren't too bad anyway, all things being considered. In fact, I should really be grateful that my overall grades for BT1 are fairly satisfactory considering the fact that I felt that I hadn't put in enough effort when preparing for it.

A few interesting things occured today that got me thinking about the nature of friendship. It's such a large garbled mess of issues that no post I write here could do it justice. I don't even know what advice to give, apart from listening, because listening is such an essential part of friendship. I wonder how many times I've failed to listen to my friends, or even take time out to spend quality time with them. And at the end of the whole matter, I think the best thing to do is to pray, as always. I think honesty is absolutely vital in a friendship, and two-way communication. It's best probably that things are out in the open now, and where the friendship goes from here depends very much upon willingness to accept each other's differences and cope with them and move on.

In other news, I pray for real patience and grace to handle others around me. Lord, grant me the grace, the patience and the serenity in dealing with people. Help me to be patient even when I get irritated. In fact, help me not to get irritated so easily.

In Spring

What does love do? Love seeks the good of the beloved, and if the beloved is not at a stage where Love can love unhindered, corrections must be made. This necessitates a certain amount of pain to be inflicted upon the beloved, until such time where the beloved becomes truly loveable. Such a process of Love can only be said to be truly altruistic and good for the beloved if the final stage the beloved reaches is not only loveable to Love, but also that it is the only way the beloved could ever achieve happiness.

Ramblings on Eternal Love... But what of our normal day-to-day relations? It struck me again when I was reading during the weekend that love always seeks the good of the beloved. A father may love his toddler son even if he falters in his first few steps, but ultimately, no father will be satisfied till his son develops the stride of a man. So Love forgives much, but is satisfied with little.

I find a great sense of beauty and sweetness in the love and attraction between a young man and a young woman. No, I am not in love, before anybody starts. It's just that recently I've noted with a certain amount of pleasure the simple delight of seeing a young couple in love, or even just a lone youth waiting to declare his love. Adult relationships lack the sweetness and bliss of youth in my eyes. It is ironic then, that I was telling my mother how I dislike the typical youthful freshfaced eagerness of youth that results in much folly, when she commented on how serious I always look. That exact freshfaced eagerness of youth is what, to me, makes youthful relationships sparkle with the sweet romance that smacks of spring in Paris. No wonder I smile with the revelation that my cousin is in love. And how, for the dear boy wishes to propose in a couple of years. Instantly I think it is silly, but of course, for a dash of youthful presumptousness, can I not forgive his brashness? if indeed it is brash?


I wish I knew what to do. No one else can claim the honour of irritating me so.

Woe and alas! And great was the fall thereof.

He ain't heavy?

I am frustrated and angry. I have never heard such ridiculous reasoning in my life. I cannot understand how someone can continually place cca above studies, can continually do badly in his exams, and yet keep slacking off. Each time the results come home he promises to work hard in the future, but of course, the vicious cycle continues, no visible change can be seen. What should I do? Should I even be worried? I'm mad, pissed off by his attitude, which always blames everyone around him for giving him a sucky attitude, without ever questioning WHY anyone would give him that kind of attitude in the first place! There is no action without a cause, and franky, everyone is getting fed up with his seeming nonchalent attitude towards academia. His whole life seems to revolve around his cca.

He asked why I was so angry with him. I told him the reason. He said I had no right to be angry, since it doesn't concern me and he thinks it extremely odd that I should bother myself with his grades. Odd?? Unnatural?? It is the most natural thing in the world! What's unnatural is the fact that he thinks I shouldn't care, and that other people are justified in doing so, but not me. Because it doesn't concern me. It doesn't concern them too! Of course, the greatest irony is that he doesn't seem to give a damn either.

I'm so frustrated that he's so short sighted and self-centred and lazy. I can't help but be angry and irritated. I'm at my wits end. And I really need to let off steam.

Swatch has offered me the choice to either replace my strap, or choose a brand new model altogether, provided it's the same price as my current watch. I shall definitely head down to PS tomorrow to check out the watches there, but at the moment I'd really like to stick to the one I've got, 'cos I really like the design and the colour. A pity the strap keeps cracking up.

I love it that tomorrow is really short. I had a bad enough day today, partly because of Econs and History, partly because the new Tuesday timetable is rather long, with a two hour break leading up to econs lecture. At least, at the end of all the shenanigans of the econs dept, I got to eat my first Krispy Kereme doughnuts! Courtesy of Adrienne, who brought them all the way from London for Owen, who in turn graciously shared them with me. In addition she brought a magnificent poster of Bushisms, the various nonsensical statements George W Bush has made over his two terms in office. That poster now takes centrestage on the debating noticeboard, alongside a rather hideous progression of photos of the team's and exco's mouths, which happen to be autographed. I think whenever I need humouring I shall now pay a visit to Bush and take in the brilliance of the man who sits now in the Oval Office. I truly cannot understand how someone this qualified to turn the most morose person into a bundle of laughs could ever have assumed office. America! What were you thinking? Clearly your president was cut out for a different course in life!

I fear for the immediate future of debates in the school. If things carry on this way we won't have a team to field. Not possible. We can't let all our hard work over the last year go to waste!

We have cause to be uneasy

I hate the feeling I get the day before school reopens, and even though it's only been a short break, it still hurts to go back. This is not the same feeling as the one I get when a new school year is starting. It's the feeling of going back to school to get results. Yes, those dreaded figures and letters that spell either doom or day. My whole day was marred by the continuous thought of getting them back. It was okay initially, since I didn't know what the timtable was. But then I got the new timetable, and what can be worse than starting the new term with an Econs tutorial and an International History tutorial? The papers I dread the most. I dread all the papers, but I know I didn't prepare sufficiently for Econs, and I know I misinterpreted the Cold War question. For the rest, it's either hit or miss. Well, I know I already missed the mark for Top Girls, but at least it's Mr Smith who's giving back the paper, and that alleviates the situation.

Fie upon them. If the term will begin this way I suppose it's just a sign of things to come. Just as well I suppose, beginning with the two subjects I probably need to work hardest on. Fie upon them. I defy them all, just as I defied the barbarian hordes that swarmed before the walls of Constantinople. Haha, I spent my afternoon at Ker Han's house playing Rome: Total War. It was a good way to destress I suppose, running over my pitiless computerised enemies. Brought back some fond memories of hours spent playing on the computer. Where can I find such time or interest now?

I've been hit by a dozen different irritances over the past few days. Sometimes the situation around me gets so intolerable I feel like lashing at the nearest possible object. I think the phrase, "familiarity breeds contempt" has never proved truer than in the past week. Or maybe that's too one-sided an explanation for my tension. I hate it when people ask me what I think are stupid questions. I hate it when people automatically assume I have the answers to their questions. I hate it when people cut into my space, or annoy me by making me do useless things when they can do them themselves. I hate to see the tension before me, and the unreflective nature of certain people. Yes, mental willpower counts for something when you're sick, but try telling a cancer patient to believe that he's well when he's obviously not! How can one assume mental strength is all that's required?

I can see one good thing coming out of this. I've been so annoyed by so many little things, that it's pushed me to a point where I stop to think and try to put myself in someone else's shoes, and try for a moment to be reasonable and let things go. It's funny, how I have to get so angry that I tire of being angry.

I must have sounded terribly self-centred and unreasonable above. I don't know... I'm really fed up sometimes. There's this desire to at once left alone and yet kept in the know, to be distant and in the fray. Or perhaps this is a wakeup call to return to God. I'm sorry to everyone if I've been short or curt in the past few days, or in the days to come. Maybe I'm blowing my frustrations in the wrong place. Yes, I probably am. It is time, after all, to once again get serious.

It's over, for now

At last, at long last, Block Test 1 is over. I can say one good thing about JC exams. They seem to pass much faster than secondary school exams, which go on for weeks... If I see Mr Yoong in church this weekend I'll just turn and walk away quickly. Don't want to spoil my day.

We went to Spaggedies for lunch! I liked my blackened crayfish pasta, although the crayfish was definitely not blackened. And the ceasar salad was nice too. Of course, cheese cake is just the way to end off a hearty meal...

Then we went to Bryan's house. And he has a dog! With the most human sounding bark I've ever heard! It's a cute little pomeranian that looks much bigger than it actually is because of its fur; its overall size is still tiny. But it's really cute! It runs in circles and when it barks, or should I say, yelps, it sounds like someone with a high nasal voice going, "Hi! Hi!"

Ah well, the next four days will be days of rest and relaxation. It feels as though the holidays are coming soon, because the exams have just ended. But we all know the harsher reality of life... Then again, who says I can't deceive myself for a little while?

I think I'm suffering from SIMUN withdrawal symptoms... Sitting in the hall today doing GP it suddenly occured to me that it looked vaguely like the General Assembly hall, and all the tables and chairs looked like delegation seats. I had the urge to take a piece of paper and hold it out into the air, waiting for a securitary to come running and deliver it to the chair or someone. I should have written in the third person for the AQ question. "This candidate agrees with the author of passage..."

I miss all the protocol, I miss the debates, I miss the multicultural environment, I miss the talk and chatter. When you've heard so many different voices and accents, and seen so many viewpoints, coming back to school in Singapore feels so anticlimatic. I wish the holidays were longer.

Well, Day 1 of block test over, and I feel strangely numb. In fact I felt rather numb throughout today. I pray I'll make it through the rest of the week unscathed. Rather looking forward to Thursday.

SIMUN

I'm exhausted. I've been feeling this way for the past three days everytime I come home. It is tiring work to spend the whole day debating with delegates of various countries. So anyway, updates are due on the Singapore Model United Nations, or SIMUN.

I love the French School, or the Lycee Francais de Singapour (Singapore is pronounced as Singa-poo, how sweet!). The grounds are so European and recreational. Anyway, the conference began well on the first day. There was intense lobbying and a mad rush to get our resolutions printed in time for the committee sessions. The sessions were even better. I found that it is rather enjoyable to point out and bash the various flaws in resolutions. Of course, everything must be said and done in a diplomatic fashion, and also in the third person form of speech. To demonstrate that I shall continue the rest of this post in the third person. I was the ambassador of Brazil for the uninitiated.

To begin, Brazil wishes to stress that it supports the elimination of all forms of religious intolerance. To this end, the delegate of Brazil merged his resolution with the delegates of Australia, Human Rights Watch, Russia, Israel, Sierra Leone, Panama, the United Kingdom, and Japan. The bloc's resolution was passed overwhelmingly by the Human Rights Sub-Committee 2, from which it went on to be debated in the General Assembly, where it too was passed by a large majority. Sub-Com 2 only passed our resolution, out of the 5 that were debated in the committee. The ambassador of Syria was most disrespectful to UN protocol and was almost thrown out by the chair. The delegate of Brazil wishes to stress that Brazil was strongly opposed to the resolution proposed by Syria. Also, the delegate of Panama was repeatedly warned by the chair for using the first-person.

Moving away from third-person, I'm sure you'll all have noted the hilarity that can ensue from using the third person all the time. When the chairperson wished to express her anger with Syria, she had to say, "The chair wishes to say that it is very angry...". And all this third person thingy sometimes makes delegates sound very sarcastic, like when we raise points of information, "Is the delegate of so-and-so aware of..." or "Does the delegate of so-and-so not agree that..."

I was disappointed with today's General Assembly session, as we had to rush through the last few resolutions to fit them in and hence could not make amendments to them. Also, I was strongly against the Security Council resolution on the situation in Georgia that was passed. Russia was clearly acting in its vested interests and not for the good of Georgia. the UK was an even more vehement defender of the resolution.

It was interesting and humourous to see various delegates really getting into character. The ambassadors of North Korea and Cuba respectively were continously hectoring the US for "extending it's empire". Today Cuba went up and accused a US-led resolution of trying to "cover its ass". The US delegation promptly demanded an apology. Cuba relented, but said that the sentiments it expressed remained unchanged.

I heard from other committees that in the one room the Russian delegate threatened the room with use of force, calling for the need to correct "the balance of power" in the Mediterranean. In another room the North Korean delegate gave a brilliant speech in favour of democracy, to which the Iranian delegate replied, "After hearing that speech, Iran notes that the situation of democracy in North Korea leaves something to be desired. How does the delegate explain this?" To which N Korea replied, "Just because North Korea does not practise democracy does not mean it cannot comment on it." Just some snippets of SIMUN politics...

In my own room Panama called for the wall between Israel and Palestine to be torn down. Of course, Israel opposed this, whereas Palestine argued that the wall was a breach of human rights. For my part, I sided with Israel on the grounds that a peacekeeping force sent into the area to replace the wall would worsen the situation.

All in all, I feel that SIMUN has been a great learning experience for me in terms of international diplomacy and issues. I must say that the scenery was very good. I personally felt that Madam Secretary General was very elegant, smart and, well... delectable. And the delegates of the UK, Japan and Israel caught my eye too, haha. I think I have a fondness for foreign women... Thankfully I am proud to say that good scenery did not distract this delegate from the more pressind issues at hand.

Ugh, block test. It's such an anticlimax to degenerate from high politics into mere drudgery... back down to earth, Joel, back down to earth...

V for Vendetta

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November,
The day of the gunpowder plot.
I know of no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

People should not be afraid of their governments.

I promised someone I'd blog about her classmates who apparently stole her RJ econs notes and photocopied them. So there it is. I'm afraid writing anymore might implicate me in a situation that doesn't involve me in the first place, so I'm not naming or blaming anyone. But I guess this incident just highlights the increasing desperation of J2s to do well for the coming exams. Incidentally I just got a whole bunch of HC notes from Tedric haha. I shall spend the rest of the week studying like I've never done so before. (theoretically speaking, of course)

I'm extremely thankful that the break is finally here. For once I can stay away from school for a while, with the exception of Tuesday because of GP makeup. Other then that, I think the "holidays" (study break would be a better term) will be spent relaxing while at the same time mugging. I kind of look forward to MUN. Should be fun.

On Friday I judged at the last preliminary round for the secondary school debating championships. I must say that one debate was much better in quality to the rest I've judged. Hopefully I'll get to judge the quarter-finals, and hopefully it will be in a better division, because I'm getting addicted to judging, hehe. I wonder if I'm too harsh though...

I think I need to rest for a while. I wanna watch V for Vendetta! And read up some good books! Borders here I come!

We had a mock MUN committee session yesterday. It was hilarious. Everything is so formal and organised you have to go through so much red tape just to make a point or amendment. I especially love the part where we get to wave our placards in the air to attract the chairman's attention. Oh, and securitaries. What a delightful concept, having errand boys run from delegate to delegate to pass messages. MUN should be a blast if all goes well. I just need to finish studying most of the work by then.

A big thank you to everyone who tagged! Thank you liz, musa, vicks, dai wei, and jeremy! I'm sure you're all very excited that I'm finally legal to drink and drive, although I will not be doing the latter for several years to come. As for the former, I think I'll stick to wine for now. Beer just sounds crass. I quite liked the bottle opened over Christmas. If time allows, which I doubt it will, I want to watch Munich. Thanks also to everyone who messaged me! That would mean beni, musa, vicks, dai wei, jeremy and jie min! Haha, the last one was unexpected.

And now I must turn my attention to more pressing issues. The block test approaches in two weeks, and my preparations are at best minimal. To make things worse, my schedule for the next two weeks is blocked up with numerous activities. Makeup lectures on Tuesday and Thursday, S paper training tomorrow, MUN meeting on Wednesday, CCA signup on Friday and of course the last round of adjudication for the JGs. I just realised I'll be busy every single afternoon this week!!! And then when the holidays come round I'll have the MUN conference from Thursday to Saturday. Simply put, I feel stressed.

Well, at least I can look forward to more of my cell J1s in school from tomorrow onwards. Although I dread the racket the ogs will make.... I wonder how the councillors cope...

18 years to the day

On my way to church today I was reflecting on turning 18. To me the significance attached to the ages of 16, 18 and 21 is almost arbitrary. How is it that society, or the state, deems me mature enough to bring life into this world (ie have sex) at 16, whereas I can only drink at 18? Shouldn't the first be a weightier matter in terms of consequence? And what is it about 21 that makes me an adult? A century ago I'd probably be married at my age. Now, it is only when I am a year above 20 that I am eligible to vote, buy a house, drive a car. The numbers almost seem silly.

Anyway, my buddy group surprised me with a cake! Louisa had some of those candles that never go out no matter how many times you blow them, but hers didn't work. They went out with one snuff. Humph. I'd always wanted to see one of those in action. And John got me a Graceland keychain that spells my name.

My birthday is much more subdued this year with the absence of my parents. I spent dinner in the Kuali, an Asian buffet restaurant at Suntec that is definitely NOT worth the price. I'm never going back there again. But I'll bet it would have been better if my parents were around. It is lonely to eat with just my brother as company, not that that's bad, but it just feels so much more quiet.

I think I shall uncork a bottle of wine tomorrow and toast myself to a great year ahead, haha. And then to count my blessings.

My mom left for KL today, so she can't celebrate my birthday this year. So we had the cake last night instead. Blackforest cake. A classic choice. I think I'll have blackforest cake as my birthday cake for the rest of my life, haha.

Then this morning I got this handmade double sided photo frame (I don't really know how to describe it) from Beni. Thank you Beni! It's really nice and pretty! I'm very touched. Now I can look at my favourite people in class at home too, haha.

Oh yes, and Vicks also gave me a handmade card last week 'cos she couldn't wait. Rest assured that it's proudly on display on my study table surface. Thank you Vicks! I'm touched too!

We watched the first act of Top Girls in Lit lecture today. ugh. The dialogue was hopelessly out of sync with the actors. In any case, I realised how much the act is written to resemble real life. It really does sound like a bunch of women talking furiously at the same time.

People and Politics. I wish, that for once in a long time, elections in Singapore will be more exciting, and that hopefully the opposition can win a few more seats in Parliament. I really find it ridiculous that my district is lumped under Marine Parade GRC when I stay at Upper Aljunied Road. Shouldn't I be in Aljunied GRC?? And guess what, Serangoon is also under Marine Parade GRC. The whole thing's a joke, seriously...

I don't wish opposition for the sake of opposition, but when you've got a party in power for the past 40 years, even having that doesn't sound too bad. And if we do have more opposition seats in Parliament for the sake of opposition, it won't be too bad since they won't be in power anyway. I can't wait to vote. Turning 18 is a step forward I guess.

Never again

I will never, ever again take another Chinese lesson for the rest of my life!!! Or at least, for the next 5 years. Maybe my future job may require me to go to China and I'll require some major brushing up on my pathetic Chinese linguistic skills.

Gotta go get History readings!

When the hurly-burly's done, when the battle's lost and won

Happy Birthday Bryan! All the best for the rest of the year!








What form of prayer can serve my turn? "Forgive me my foul murder?" That cannot be, since I am still possess'd of those effects for which I did the murder.

May one be pardoned and retain th'offence?

Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

Things to think about. It's remarkable, finding stuff that strikes even late in a dreamy afternoon.

Some quiet time at last. I've been quite busy over the past two days. On Friday I went to Deyi secondary to adjudicate the JG Debating Championships. I had just begun to watch what seemed like a promising debate between RI and SCGS, when Mark Gabriel came and told me Room 10 was missing a judge and he needed me there. So it was good in a sense that I went from being a shadow adjudicator to being a full one. Lots of other people got swapped around, I later learnt.

Then came the hard part. Room 10 was one of the C Division rooms. At secondary school debating level, teams are organised into A, B or C divisions. This is not based on age, as in sports, but rather on quality. So it was a pretty agonising evening for me having sit through three C div debates. It was pretty much like hearing two people adamantly restating their stands over and over again, taking no trouble at all to explain why the other side was wrong. If they did explain it was in one-liners. The first round was a clear win by the Prop, so that was easier to judge. But the next two rounds were extremely close, and that makes judging debates so difficult. It's worse when the arguments are bad. And also if you haven't eaten dinner. We had no time to eat because the round started at 6. By the third debate I was just wishing the whole thing to end.

But it was a good experience overall. No matter how painful it was, I found adjudicating to be quite fun. I'm looking forward to the next round. Hopefully I'll be judging a better division.

Yesterday I went to NUS early in the morning for the Singapore Forum on Politics. It was really long, but there were interesting speakers thankfully, who raised very provocative points. Like how Singapore cannot survive in the long run without political choice.

Well, Week 9 beckons. It's high time I try to catch up on my work. I either just can't find the time or energy to start...

BrokeBack Void Deck

I was shocked by the news delivered by our principal today. Firstly, the case of the intimidation of a couple of ACS(I) boys by J2s believed to come from SAS. I was just sitting through that announcement stunned, terribly ashamed of my alma mater. Yes, I have my own strong opinions about the AC family of schools but I think it's absolutely low-down and crass to have to resort to intimidation to scare someone off. What kind of image are these people projecting of the school?? The whole thing just backfires. Here you are trying to frighten two AC boys into submission, on the supposed grounds that you can't stand their school for various reasons, oblivious to the fact that that very act of intimidation speaks worse of your own school. Let inter-school rivalry remain on the rugby pitch, within examination halls, competitions, and the usual chit chat between friends. Threats of violence do no good to anyone.

Something is inherently wrong with the culture of SAS if it consistently produces such cases. I walk into Macs and I see hooligans. The street soccer court teems with unruly "Saints". Such bitter irony. I've always thought that the label "Saint" was a keen double-edged sword. Assuming such a noble title must require a certain level of decorum, the slightest failure of which stains that name. Maybe Saint is too good a title to confer on any student, regardless of institution.

If my alma mater makes me want to hide my face, my current school couldn't do worse. Two guys making out! In a HDB void deck! What unspeakable flames of passion and perverted lust must have compelled, nay, driven them to carry out such gross displays of affection in public. And I'm speaking with religious convictions aside. The thought of any couple, gay or straight, petting and kissing in public in their school uniforms is quite sickening, when looked from thr perspective of an outsider of the school.

And yet for all this, I still have a bond of loyalty to the school. But loyalty must come with a qualitative statement, like Mary. I cannot love the school. I can only love it, or be proud of it, in spite of all this. Such is the allure of the underdog. Saint Andrew's has always carried a rather romantic and tragic quality in my eyes. It has the collapsed grandeur of an institution that has fallen from greater glory onto hard times, since it once rivalled Raffles, long long ago. And this diminished stature adds greater glory to those moments in which the school rises to the occasion, when it manages to trounce its rivals. That, at least, is how I see the school. Ha, such idealistic notions of grandeur...

I'm going to adjudicate at the Julia Gabriel Debating Championships tomorrow! Or at least, to shadow adjudicate. It will be a paltry compensation, I think, for actual debating.

Who would fardels bear?

I want to go to King's College London! They have this lovely Lit course that works with the Globe Theatre! The Globe! And next month one of their professors is releasing the edition of Hamlet! I think we should just put Hamlet on hold and ask Mr Smith to move on to Macbeth first while we wait for the definitive version, haha. Argh... London is sooo tempting. But it's sooo expensive! 10 to 11000 POUNDS PER ANNUM. That works out to around 30 000 Sing dollars per year. And that's just the tuition fees. Living costs are around 8000 pounds. So if you do the math, studying in London for a three year course should run up to nearly 180 000 Sing dollars. NUS looks dismally dreary, small, local and unglamarous after today...

In other news, another member of the PAP Old Guard has died. I've edited out my following comment for fear of recrimination. The perils of living in Singapore...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.

This morning as I opened my devotional material to do quiet time I was struck by the verse given for the day's reading. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. I must have seen that verse a thousand times before, memorised it and quoted it here and there. But this morning it just struck me again as being so beautiful, so firm, so assuring, like an unshakeable Rock on which to build your life on. I think it ties in with what I've been thinking about since Sunday, when my pastor said, "Those who fear God have no need to fear anyone else." I've been either so people-centred or self-centred I've lost track of what should be my true and main focus. I need to come back to that.

I've come to the realisation that Block Test 1 is less than a month away and I'm terribly unprepared. I need to kick myself out of this lethargy and get back into studying full scale. I musn't make the mistake I made in my Sec 4 year, when I lazed away and allowed my complacency to get a hold of me. I have a problem. Whenever I do well in something, or relatively well in something, I always rest on my laurels. And that allowed so many people to overtake me in studies in Sec 4. I can't let that happen again this time round. I can convince and reassure myself that I wasn't doing the right subjects back in secondary school, that I simply wasn't suited to maths and the sciences, and therefore my lacklustre grades were due to that. I can do that. I have done that. But I know also that my laziness and inability to kick myself into action accounted for part of the results too. Well, I can't kid myself any longer. I am now in the Arts Faculty, doing the subjects I've always loved. I can't blame anything or anyone but myself if I fail to deliver the grades at the A Levels. Goals and expectations must be realistic, yes, and I don't think I'll be terribly disappointed if i don't get straight As, provided I know I did my best. And therein lies the crunch, you see. Provided I know I did my best. I don't want to walk away from the A Levels feeling like I did after I got my O Level results, that feeling that I could have done better in such and such a subject if only I worked harder.

Whew, that's a lot of rhetoric coming out of me just before BT1. And it's only BT1 if you think about it. What would I say come prelims? And...I don't know if I can live up to my own expectations. I will just pray that God will give me the discipline to buckle down to my books. And who am I studying for anyway? I've seen many people counsel students to study for themselves. "Don't study for your parents or teachers. Think of it as though you're studying for your future." But aren't we supposed to study for God's glory? Jayce once made an interesting comment in cell. She said that even if she did well for a test, she wouldn't feel satisfied if she knew that she hadn't studied for it for God's glory. I confess that I cannot say the same. When I say I'm going to study for God's glory it's a euphemistic way of saying I'm going to study real hard, banking on my own strength, and if I do well and it happens to reflect well on God, whoopy day. When I get back good grades all too often my mind doesn't immediately thank God, until much later. It's often concerned with, who did I beat? How did I do it? Good job, Joel, for doing so well, give yourself a pat on the back...

I feel like such a hypocrite. I suppose studying for God means even when you're feeling down and tired, like you simply can't go on, you look up and see that what you're doing is all worthwhile when you realise that you have pleased the One you were created to please. CS Lewis put it so eloquently when he said that Heaven is when the redeemed soul learns, beyond all hope and beyond all belief, that she has finally managed to please Him whom she was created to please.

I'm so tired. It's been a long day. And each time I'm tired or irritated I snap at people very easily. Something else to work on...

Anyway, to end this post, I found Jael's name in the Bible and learnt that her namesake was the woman who drove a tent-peg through the forehead of an enemy general who was attacking the Israelites. Such vicious women we have in class...

Vicks: Circumlocution! What a wonderful word! But I think to have said "pride" directly would have been a severe leap in logic. And it wouldn't have allowed me to express my true thoughts. Circumlocution! Such marvelous words you come up with. I love the word "verbose". It sounds so verbal, haha. And circumlocution sounds like a locomotive going round a circumference.

I read someone's blog and realised how much Valentine's Day meant to some people. And I haven't blogged about it either. Nothing much to say, just that I'm glad the DJ booth in the caf is finally gone and the loud music has ceased. One good thing about Friendship Week was the conspicuous absence of J1s for the first half of the week. It was nice to have the caf all to ourselves. Quiet, empty, spacious. I think the school should just let all of them go home till their posting results are released. No sense in them taking up space for these two weeks.

Haha, I think I sound like a J1 hater. But there are some nice ones among them, and I'm glad so many of my cell members are joining the school. So now Elohim's presence in school will grow to about nine or ten people. Good good. Nice seeing friendly faces from church around.

I'm quite glad the weekend is here. But tomorrow I still have to do CIP work in the morning.... And, I think I seriously need to catch up on my econs. To my horror the latest topic is surprisingly mathematical, what with formulas and algebra... And the whole thing seems one unmanageable chunk. Time to chip away at the mountain.


You have chosen the Evening; but my love is given to the Morning. And my heart forebodes that soon it will pass away forever.

There is something within human nature that innately connects with the underdog. We all root for it, hope that it succeeds against all odds. Witness how most of the bestselling movies or books often revolve around underdogs and their rags-to-riches stories. Somehow, we feel bonded with the perceived "loser". Perhaps a brief glimpse of inner insecurity?

I found a strange clash of emotions within me today as I looked at the students from my alma mater. I must admit that many a time I have felt ashamed by them. I've wished the school produced more A1s and less gangsters. And yet, I cannot forsake it, nor can I stop feeling a sense of pride of having come from there, or whenever a victory is announced. When I moved into the JC, this strange mixture of pride and underdoggedness continued. I suppose the feeling of pride I get whenever we stand up to the so-called elite schools stems from this desire to be the best, or the knowledge that somehow, we can beat the best. Perhaps society has so honed into me this sense of egalitarianism that I cannot help but sneer at the elite. There is somewhat of the socialist within me. Equality should be the proper way of life.

And yet, when I look again, I also acknowledge the pleasure gained from looking down on others. The concept of an egalitarian, meritocratic society is perhaps an oxymoron. So all at once I desire to be the elite, and yet disdain the elite.

I think the conclusion of the whole matter is pride. And you know what, I think that whole chunk of round-about thinking above was just a complicated way of looking at a rather straightforward matter from the beginning. Sheesh.


Adri: Hi! When you come back, you should sit in and watch us give you the most organised prep time you've ever seen from our team, haha.

Owen: Ha, forced into retirement. That's a nice way of putting it. They didn't give us any golden handshake though.

These are the days of slumber

I was thinking as I went home: If the world was perfect, and all we ever knew was beauty, would we still call it beauty? Does beauty require some knowledge of ugliness to be beautiful? No doubt beauty in itself is absolute and good, since ugliness is but distorted beauty, but would we recognise beauty, having never known the other side? Questions to think about.

The whole day seemed to revolve around hard questions. From the opening debate in the morning over a source-based question on history, to the mind numbing lecture in econs in the afternoon, everything seemed to test our patience and strectch our brains. Or at least mine. I was exhausted by the end of the econs lecture, which was absolutely dreadful. We had a mind-boggling discussion about GP in the discussion room in the library, then another round of analysis into the nuances of a dark and morbid poem in lit. It's enough to make me sleep.

I don't know why, but I've been feeling so sleepy these few days. I've never known myself to feel sleepy during lectures or tutorials so frequently. I practically fell asleep in front of Mr Smith on Monday, haha. Anyway, I think a good afternoon nap today will refresh me for the evening, and hopefully tomorrow.

Swansong

Two days ago, on the 11th of February 2006, my debating career at JC level officially came to an end. We never made it past the preliminary rounds of the NUS Challenge Shields. We won one out of three, and lost the other two by a very small margin of about one point. SA never seems to win in split decisions.

I guess one never knows how much something means to you until it's gone. A few weeks ago I was complaining about the workload and about how debating didn't seem so fun anymore. I was wrong. I relished every single moment spent on the floor on Saturday. If I can take one thing away from the challenge shields, it is this: the knowledge that we gave it our best, and that each of the three rounds was a good, solid debate. The very fact that they were close debates testifies to the defence we put up. We ARE on par with the very best. Did we not show that last year during the national championships? And this precisely makes defeat so bitter: Knowing that you are just as good as your opponents, and seeing victory slip away only because of technicalities.

It is an established fact that debating is a subjective sport. Every debate is a circle, a balance of finely weighed arguments. Even as this phase of my life dies down another begins. Now I will move on to another level: adjudicating debates. That may prove potentially tortuous.



Sometimes when I have a free moment I stop to think about certain things that stir up within me anger and impatience. And I wonder then if it is all worth it. Of all the things in the world to get angry at.

I wish I could just let go and release my cares and anger more freely.

Happy Birthday Dai Wei! oh, he doesn't read my blog anyway... But who cares... I'll tell him soon then.

We celebrated Dai Wei's birthday at Fish n Co. last night. There was an in-house singer and we dedicated a birthday song to him, haha. It was a good way to end the day, especially since yesterday was really long. While everyone else went for various history makeups I was debating with HCI. Messy, close debate. Now we know how to attack a prop's policy case better. Oh well, I'll keep my fingers crossed till Saturday.

I feel tired. I realised during Econs lecture today that I needed to start revising my econs again. Haven't been reading the notes.

I've been reminded recently of what I went through last year, and I'm thankful that God saw and brought me through it. What's more, much good came out of it. Humans have terrible memories. To think God can repeatedly bring you through various trials and tribulations, only to have us waver and shirk back the minute another problem pops up. I wonder how many countless times I've been guilty of that. How great is the patience of God!

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

We had our first s paper training session today. Mr Smith, that inimitable patron of speech, was almost sleep-inducing. But not quite. He provoked some interesting thoughts. I think s paper training is going to be rather interesting. The questions are so broad and general that they require lots of higher order thinking skills, and I quite relish the challenge. This is me now. Give me a month and I'll probably be on my knees crawling about, crying for sleep and release from work. I'll really have to pray for perserverance and strength.

At least the texts are, well, texts. I think as I do more and more Lit, I begin to appreciate the subject more. I cannot possibly imagine myself doing a science course now. How could I even have contemplated it in the beginning? Biology was my favourite science subject, and that was only because all I had to do was to regurgitate notes. I can't do that now, not with any subject. And frankly, I much prefer this sort of thinking.

I realised today that that famous quote, "frailty, thy name is woman", came from Hamlet! Interesting stuff. Our latest lit text also seems intriguing thus far. At last, a return to prose, after a year of poetry.

Ha, I wonder why I'm feeling so literary now. Should go continue reading Hamlet, or Silas Marner. Oh, maybe Top Girls! Now that's a provocative text...

I need to go immerse myself in some good fiction book again. Something that might recapture my imagination for a while, and send me fleeing through wild and dangerous landscapes, battling with monstrous beasts, riding free over green fields. A pity most fantasy fiction is trash.

Solitude is not necessarily loneliness. That was something John brought to my attention recently. Perhaps I should seek solitude sometime soon.

Letting go

I had a terrible morning fretting over spars. I mixed up our spar dates with HCI, and I went completely crazed with worry over arrangements made in advance. Then I realised the actual spar date clashes with History makeup. But that can be easily resolved...

You know what, I'm beginning to accept that I'm neurotic. Now I sound like one of those silly urban Americans who spend half their time visiting their shrinks. I can't help it. I'm a control freak, and when things get out of my control, I can't stop obsessing over them. So I guess my neurosis stems from a controlling nature. I guess I need to learn how to let go. What an outcome. That's a day's work of psychoanalysis done...

Some people find it so amusing when I roll my eyes. I wonder when I learned to. I don't think it's a good habit. Reeks of bitchiness. Oh, but it does help to make a point, visually.

I just realised why I feel so comfortable writing. That's when I'm in full control over what I say. My thoughts can be crafted to fit the occassion as I want them to, without outside interference. I guess writing, and in this case blogging, is a kind of stress reliever. How funny.

I have no idea how the rest of the day is going to turn out. I'm going to pray and trust God. I was reminded today that worry is a sin. Most people don't realise that, but essentially worry means you don't trust God. That's food for thought, because in my case I worry very frequently.

It seems as though I'll never see my tagboard again. You may be able to see it, but I can't. So this is an appeal to everyone: PLEASE COMMENT THROUGH THE COMMENTS PAGE. DON'T USE THE TAGBOARD TILL FURTHER NOTICE.

If I have time, a precious commodity, I will try and fix this problem.

End of the week coming. Tomorrow will be a hectic mad rush going here and there for training. Some people think its funny using the word training for debates. I suppose it connotes images of sports people in action. My sport involves the jaw muscles, vocal cords, and brain power.

We had a good time after school today talking in macs. Mr Yoong made a last minute cancellation of this history lecture! Dreams are made of these, and lo, our little life is rounded with a sleep. And so, I leave you.